Update!

It's been awhile I know. I didn't think everyone wanted to hear how hard of a struggle this is for me and how I was failing constantly! I'm not sure why this is so hard. But it is and will be for awhile! However, as of today, I am down 10lbs. Hopefully will stay down! But I am doing better on my portion control. That;s one of the areas I really struggle as well as sugar. I am really trying to limit how much sugar I have and it seems to be working. And actually I need to stop eating sugar before bed anyways cause it makes the rls go wild! Annoying as heck! So I am really trying hard to to limit it! I can say that as of right now I am 31 weeks soda free! Some days have been hard and some days have been easy but for the most part, it hasn't been a struggle! I will try and do better about posting on here because I do want to be held accountable and what better way then to post it all online for everyone to see! Ask me, get on me, do whatever you feel like you should do!

So freaking irritated!!

I've been doing weight watchers now for like 23-24 weeks. I've lost a total of maybe 7lbs? Why? not because I'm not exercising! I am actually! I walk 3 days a week-4 times total, I do crossfit 2 days a week and then Zumba one day a week. That part I have down. I can not get a hold of my eating! It's super frustrating cause I know if I did, I would lose the weight! I am not much of a healthy eater. I mean, it really takes work for me to eat healthy. When I go into the kitchen to get a snack or eat food, I go to sugar, chips, or anything unhealthy. Jake goes to the kitchen to get a snack and he grabs an apple and eats. Sometimes he craves sugar but he doesn't have the issue I have. I am trying to limit my sugar by only eating it on the weekends and I have already messed up on that yesterday! It makes sense, eat healthy, lose weight! So why can't I actually do that! Why is it so hard for me?? On top of it, I am bored of breakfast and lunch. Cereal, eggs, cottage cheese, and sandwiches are BORING! There has to be more!! I feel so stupid when it comes to food and eating properly. I so wish I could get a handle on my food! Have an ideas on how to help me??

Not too shabby!!

I know I will get this down. I also know it will take some time. I am slowly getting there. I walk about 3 days a week now usually about 2 miles and I also have been doing crossfit twice a week. Although this last week I didn't cause of the 4th and then we were in Vancouver Wa for 4 days. But even after not getting as much exercise and definitely not eating well, I only gained .8lbs this week so that makes me happy! And means that I can just start up the walking/crossfit again and hopefully have better results! I didn't reach my first month goal of 3-5 lbs. I only lost .8 lbs last month. So this month, I'm determined to do better! And I have also decided that I need to watch my sugar intake so no more sure in my house unless it goes to work with Jake or goes home with who ever brought it! This is a huge downfall for me and I need to get it under control!! However, I have to say that I am proud of my 22 weeks no pop!! This is the longest EVER I have been with out pop! Sometimes I crave it but really, its not as bad as I thought they would be! Thank you Lord! I will eventually bring it back in but I have to lose 20lbs first and then I only get when we go out to eat which we are also cutting back on. Well, trying to! Anyways, you can all help me out with my sugar by either not bringing me any or making sure you take it home! I am determined to get there! And I know I will succeed even if it takes me a bit!!

I did it!!

Last weeks class was really motivational and I am started to actually lose a good amount now!! I actually reached my 5% weight loss and I am down 8.8lbs and I am doing so much better on my eating and exercising!! And I haven't started crossfit yet!! I can't wait! I lost 3 lbs this last week :P I know I can do this and I know God is helping me and the support from all of you! Thank you so much!! Today I feel great!!

Excitement!

Ok so my weigh in today wasn't good. I knew it wouldn't be after the week I have been having! I gained 1.2 lbs :( But I knew I would. It was a hard week for me. Anyways, I really enjoyed my ww's class today. It was talking about making goals for the summer to help with all the summer entails. Parties, heat, food that's not really good for you. It's the first time I felt inspired and actually acted on it! So I have set up a new plan for me! I think I am gonna try and eat power foods only. See if that will help me. We are also purging the house of sugar. *cept for cooking with but I never dip into that* all munchy things will go too. I have a board up for everyone who comes into my house will see that will have a before pic, a now pic, and hopefully some day a after pic! It also has my goals of what I want for the week, the month, and the summer. I want to walk 2-3 times a week *email friends to do that with* I want to do crossfit 2-3 times a week *gotta wait till Hilary gets home* I will continue to do Zumba once a week *love this and probably will do it for awhile!* I want to lose 5 lbs per month I want to lose a total of 18 lbs by September! I know I can follow these and reach these goals if I make a plan and do! And if I have accountability! So, here's hoping I get my butt in gear and reach my goals!!

How do you 'break up' with food?

Yes I need to 'break up' with food. I need to get some time away from it but have NO clue how to do this! This whole eating thing has really gotten me down. I mean, I have NO self control what so ever! If I am craving something I want it now. I will search the house in search of that craving. If I can't find it, I will munch on something else. If I do find it, I tend to go overboard on it. It's worse when ovulating or on my period. Sorry guys! Anyways, I also discovered I'm an emotional eater.I eat when happy, I eat when sad, I eat when depressed, I eat when bored, I eat when we have game night, or friends over. I do not however drink pop! going on 18 weeks pop free! Amazing right?? So why can't I get the food part under control?? I think I know a couple of reasons why. Now I can't blame my mom fully for this. We didn't eat real well when I was younger. Got worse when my parents divorced and all we could afford was crap food. But, I was also WAY skinny. I mean 100 lbs soaking wet skinny! I didn't reach 130lbs till I was like 23! I could pretty much eat and drink whatever I wanted and I was fine. I wouldn't gain weight, I was healthy! I actually remember going to the dr once and they did a test on my cholesterol and it was normal. Jake was shocked because I was eating McDonalds and Burger King ALL the time! About when I was 20 is when I started putting on weight but it was slow. It wasn't like I woke up one day and was 30 lbs heavier, it took time. When I finally reached 157lbs, I couldn't believe I was that big! But I was so deep into my habits and couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was now 57lbs heavier then I have ever been in my life! And even when I tried going to the gym, it stayed there. Didn't budge. At. All. Very annoying!! I got pregnant and miscarried and 3 months later got pregnant again. I was still 157lbs. I gained almost 20lbs with Chloe but lost it all within the first 6 weeks. But by the time I got pregnant with Josiah, I was 162lbs, my new high....gained 20lbs with JJ and lost it all within the first 6 weeks also but when I started Weight Watchers, I was at 176lbs, my new high, a new depressing high, a high that makes me irritated and feeling fat and like a failure. Like I will always be this big! As of last week I have lost a total of 7 pounds, 7lbs in 17 weeks!! My sister who is also doing weight watchers has lost almost 25lbs in her 17 weeks! Are you freaking kidding me?? She use to be bigger then me for most of our lives! Not fat, just bigger! And now she's like 10lbs lighter then me! Guess how my week has gone....yeah I'm depressed, I want to cry. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate that I can't get off my LAZY butt and go walking *Natalie, close to time to walk yet??* and I hate that I feel like I have NO control over my emotions and allow them to rule what I eat, when I eat. I should be in charge, I should be in control. But I am not. My husband brought up an interesting point for those of you that are Christian. He said that he thinks I have made food an idol and that will it's in that place of an idol, and placed higher then God, I will not overcome this! I need to bring God into this but I'm not sure how to surrender to him in this area, I'm not sure how to let go of it as an idol and put it back where it belongs! As you can see, I'm kinda all over the place. Partly cause I'm tired, but mostly cause I can't think straight! I am so frustrated with this stupid weight loss crap and I'm tired of being fat and feeling horrible, I'm tired of being depressed about this. I want to look good, feel good, wear cute clothes, play with my kids without getting winded. I'm tired of food having control in my life. It's not how it should be and I have no clue how to change it! And to be honest, I feel so alone! I have my mom and my sister in weight watchers with me. I even have a friend there too! But I feel so alone and I feel like I'm really struggling and that there is no one out there to help me! I feel hopeless, and I'm tired of feeling this way!

How this week REALLY went

Let's be honest here. This week has been rough. If you were to ask me in person, I would probably say 'I struggled a bit more but it's all good' when in all reality, it's not good. I really tried to do better on my eating last week and was very disappointed that I didn't lose anything. Granted I am still working on my weekends but I thought I had done ok. But instead I maintained. And that for some reason, really bothered me. So instead of moving past it, and doing better the next week, which is what I usually do, I ended up allowing my emotions to dictate what I ate regardless of how many points it was. I wanted it, I ate it. In fact, I am pretty sure I will gain weight this week. I know what I need to do, I just haven't figured out how to go about doing it. I plan on cutting back/out on sugar and carbs. I don't normally drink any juices anyways so that isn't an issue but I do need to drink more water and probably less Crystal light tea *aspartame is really not good for you!*. I need to stop allowing chips, cookies, junk food to remain in my house and if we have parties, I need to make sure that it goes home with whoever brought it or that Jake makes sure it's at work the next day so it's not here tempting me. I know that cutting out sugar completely wont happen but I also know that if it's not in my house, I would go seek it out and I wont go to the store to seek it out either. Mostly cause now we are doing the cash system for our groceries and we have to watch what we get or no $ for groceries and really, it's a waste of gas to go to the store for something so small. And even when I go buy groceries, I don't buy sugar. It's what is left in my house that I am eating! So, tonight, hopefully, I am doing a kitchen purge and sending it all to work with Jake. Funny thing is, the guys at work love it! They like getting goodies when I purge stuff :P So, here they go! More for them! I know this week was bad, and I know I should not have allowed my emotions to dictate what I eat. That is never a good thing! I know I will have gained this week but I know this so it wont be quite as disappointing to see that number go up. And I also know that I will do better this week. I will make sure I have what I need in place to make sure I do well. And if that means sending the crap to work with Jake and eating nothing but fruit for a week, thats what I will do! I just need to stop eating crap!!

Thank you!

I have been offered so much help that I am almost at a loss for words!! I am hoping to change my diet, it's gonna be hard, but I have to do it! And I got some great advice, tips and help from my neighbor who is also going to train me in her crossfit gym 2-3 days a week *after she gets back from her honeymoon beginning of next month :P* I also have a total of 4 people who has offered to walk with me. Which is awesome! Hopefully I will be able to find a double jogger before that but it not, I will do with what I have till I find what I want :P Thank you all so much for your help, encouragement, and support! It's what I really need!! BTW I didn't gain any but I didn't lose any either. I just maintained. So, on to a better week! My goal? To reach my 5% goal *2 lbs away* and to be at a total of 10 lbs lost *about 4 lbs away* I know I can do it if I stick to my guns!

Don't Beat Yourself Up

Don't beat yourself up. People make mistakes all the time. It's how we react to those mistakes that help us to succeed or fail. I tend to beat myself up when I have eaten something that I shouldn't have eaten. I remind myself all the time as I'm eating it that this is why I'm fat and if I don't change my ways, I will never feel good about myself. Which is true but I'm sure I could go about telling myself that without putting myself down in the process. Why is it so easy for me to give up my one hard addiction of pepsi *13 weeks almost 14!* but so hard for me to eat right and avoid that bad things specially during those times of the month that are hardest for me!! I'm frustrated, I'm tired of dealing with this, and tired of struggling with this on a regular basis! In our class today, we talked about what our motivation for losing weight was. The leader had us write down how we wish we could feel, how to recognize our motivational speed bumps, and what we will use to try to jumpstart our motivation. I wrote that I want to feel good, healthy, powerful and in control. Yeah I want to look good but I want to feel good more and I want to have power and be in control over my food. I dont want it to control me anymore! And I'm hoping that I can exercise more which means getting off my butt and doing it! Which I am going to talk to a friend about watching my kids twice a week so I can go to the gym no excuses! I want to snack more on fruit and less on the junk. And I want to call my mom during those really hard days! I know I can do this. I think I just need more help then I realized. I feel stupid when it comes to food. How to cook it, prepare it, what to buy, what is healthy, how to make it tasty while being healthy. All of that. I dont know how to cook sweet potatoes but I really want to try the fries. I've tried a recipe for baked zucchini chips and that failed and I tried to dry strawberries in my oven and that failed miserably! I'm tired of this being an issue and I'm so frustrated! So, I'm boldy going to do something that I have been fighting for awhile and I'm going to be held accountable by you. If you are up for and don't mind doing it, call me, text me, email me, show up on my door step. I don't care how you choose to do it, just need someone to hold me accountable to eating better and to exercising! I am actually going to try and see if some of the ladies in my church want to start walking weekly, maybe twice a week. I have to do something! I will get this weight off, I will feel better, I will be in control of my food. I will succeed and I know with God beside me, and you encouraging me, I will get over this hump and win this battle! I did gain .4 this week but I have a total loss of 6.6 pounds as of today. I'm about 2 lbs away from losing 5% of my weight so far. Also I am still doing Zumba every tuesday and loving it!! Baby steps....

Yay!

This week was a successful week! I lost 1.6 lbs and that brings my total to 7lbs! Slowly I will get there. I'm really trying to be better at what I am eating and trying not to snack as much. It's an every meal process but I'm slowly getting there! I think this is 14 weeks no pop? I can't remember. It's been so long since I had a pepsi! Don't get me wrong, I still want one, badly but I for some reason am able to tell myself that I don't need it and it's not worth the points. I'm hoping that in July I will be able to drink it again but only when we have parties or go out to eat. No more buying it for the house! And that's only if I lose weight! I'm still doing Zumba every Tuesday and really enjoying it. I do plan on going to the gym but my whole family has been sick. And my kids are still sick and so is hubby! I know some days are harder then others but I'm really happy and proud of myself. I know I can do this. It's just really hard!

Finally!!

I know I am horrible about keeping up with this blog. I am bad about it period! I'm still figuring out the whole blogging while dealing with kids thing!

Anyways, I have finally hit the 5lb mark!! 5.2 pounds down now. Yes!! I know what my problem is but I haven't found a way to fix it yet. First off, I munch a lot. While making the kids lunch, I was munching on chips in the process. I also need to cook more foods and eat less crap. However that requires grocery shopping which requires menu planning which requires time which I apparently have none!! I know, irritating but I have to figure it out if I'm going to succeed in this! I have to make this a priority!

I am doing Zumba regularly now. Every Tuesday and I love it! It's a lot of fun! My sister is going with me too and hopefully a friend will join us soon! I am not going to the gym but I really want to. I think I am going to try two nights a week and go from there. Hopefully I can make it work.

My biggest win? 9 weeks NO POP! None whatsoever! I'm pretty proud of that!

I will try to give an update every Thursday on my weightloss for the week. I give you permission to hound me to do so and to also make sure I am eating right, going to the gym, and still pop free! Hound away! You have my permission!! Thank you for being with me through this journey!

Slow going

So I know I'm bad at blogging. I'm gonna try for at least once a week since I need the support/accountability to keep pressing forward.

For some reason going to the gym is hard. I love it once I'm there but getting there is ridiculous! So Jake and I are going to try a diffrent approach and have me go sooner while Jake watches kids.

As for eating, its still a struggle and one I fight daily but I'm doing better. I'm down 4.8 lbs as of last Thursday and I'm 4 weeks pop free as of Friday. All pop. So I'm doing better just not quite there and if I get the gym thing down it will be even better!

Weight Watchers week 1

Well no gym tonight. Will go tomorrow. Jake got called into work so I get to stay home! Oh joy! lol Oh well! However, I've been on weight watchers a week now and have lost 2.2 lbs so far! Yay! I've also been eating more fruit. I really am trying to stay in my points for the day and when I'm still hungry, I can go to fruit because they are 0pts! It's hard trying to track your eating and figure out your points but I know that if I put in the time and effort it will be worth it in the end!! On to week 2!

Weight Watchers

First weight watchers meeting tonight. Start counting points tomorrow morning. I've done it before and it's hard work but it did work! And I didn't exercise last time. So hopefully between the two I will lose the weight and keep it off! Here's to success in a very hard area!!

A new plan!

Like I need a new plan really. I mean, I'm just gonna end up confusing myself! lol My mom was doing a diet called Ideal Protein and liked it but didn't like that her weight came off so fast. Many years ago when I started putting on weight, mom and I tried Weight Watchers. Well, my mom is doing it again and asked if I would join her. My sister is too. I liked weight watchers but really I hate counting carbs or paying attention to my numbers. But I NEED to do this. I have to lose the weight. My back is killing me from the extra weight! No more!! So now I can eat what I want as long as I stay in my points. And I'm really trying to go to the gym but havent yet this week cause my mom unexpectedly came to visit and since I don't normally get a lot of time with her, I'm soaking it all up! Hopefully I'm on the right track to a healthier better me!

Day 2!

So I finally after a long break went back to the gym! I had to force myself to do it. I dont know why its so hard to go but it is! 30 mins on the treadmill and 30 mins on the bike. And I feel good! I also have those before pics I was mentioning.

I was a freshman in highschool in this pic

my engagement photo in 2003

First year in Pullman 2005

2 kids and a lot of weight later!

No I'm not pregnant! I just look it! This is what happens when you have kids and don't take care of your body! I use to be so skinny. I wish I had paid attention to my body more and realized what was going on. Instead I went on through life thinking I can eat anything, I never gain weight. Boy is that so not right now! So while it's extremely hard for me, I must press on and lose this weight. I need to be a good example for my kids and I need to be able to be there for my kids in any way I can! I'm still struggling with food. But was able to make a smoothie that I really enjoyed today! Here's to one day at a time!!

Day 1 conquered!

Ok well not so much in the food area. This area will literally be a fight every day till it's more a habit! But, one day at a time right?

My whole family is FINALLY better. So tonight, I put my workout clothes on, drove to the gym and did my first workout! 30 minutes on the treadmill and did't look at the mileage, and 30 mins on bike-6miles! Go me! It felt really good too!

On to day two!

What was I doing again?

Yeah so working out didn't happen last night. And probably wont till next week sadly. The sickness that hit my family that I thought I escaped? Yeah totally didn't escape! I was so sick last night. I had a fever, 100.1 and chills, and aches. Horrible night! I'm feeling much better today but dang, that was not fun! I still have a fever and still have the aches. Hoping I get to feeling back to myself again! I want to go to the gym!

Fail already?

Ok really it's not my fault. I planned on going to the gym this week starting Tuesday and would go Wednesday and Friday also. I mean, I paid money for this, I need to do it! God apparently had other plans as my whole family became sick this week! So no working out happened :( But I hope to go tonight! And I have been doing better on my snacks. Cheese, crackers, and an orange! Little steps right??

The beginning

I am 29 years old, almost 30. This is not a blog about someone who has struggled since day one with weight. In fact, this is the opposite. I use to be the skinny one. The one that everyone wanted to be like. I was 100 pounds soaking wet. I could eat anything and everything! Granted you couldn't always really tell how skinny I was cause I wore baggy clothes. I never liked clothes that showed a little curve. It wasn't until I was dating a guy at 18 that I started wearing clothes that showed my figure. And it was then I started gaining weight. But I was still at a healthy weight. I just didn't know it. I got married at 22 years of age and was creeping into the 130s. Still at a healthy weight. Slowly every year I gained more weight. When I got pregnant with my first child I was 157. Not a healthy weight. How did I get there? I didn't even really see that it was happening! Now, two kids later, I'm weighing between 172-175. And now, I have to deal with the reality of what's ahead if I don't change things now. My family is full of arthritic diseases, diabetes, obesity, and I am not going to be one of them! I want to lead by example for my children, my daughter especially. Because of the weight, I'm even more self conscious, my joints are hurting me more, and I have no energy. I'm 30. I should be active and full of life and I'd rather hide under a rock. I hate how I look, I hate my clothes, and I hate that I've allowed the weight to define who I am. I am a fun loving, scrapbooking, piano playing, singing, friend who is also a wife and mother. I just also happen to be all that and overweight. I need to remind myself that I am still me, I'm just heavier. I need to re-strengthen relationships in my life. I need to start taking care of me. I will chase my children around without losing my breath. I will be able to have tons of fun with them and not worry if my fat is hanging out. I will not feel embarrassed when I get in the pool with them for lessons, or stand around skinny chicks who have had 2,3,4 kids and look like they have never birthed in their life.

The purpose of this blog is to keep me accountable and to hopefully, encourage someone who is also struggling with the same thing. I will hopefully post daily about what foods I'm eating, my workout out, and how I'm doing on my goals. I will try and create a goals list so I have something to look forward to. I'm hoping to eat better, exercise, and hopefully, lose weight and get to a healthier me. And in the process, hopefully deal with the depression and re-discover who I am.

I will post a skinny pic of me and a recent pic of me. Then hopefully, a new me pic!